so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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