He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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