May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
