the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
