I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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