And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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