I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
