dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
