you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
