I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize