so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
