sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
