if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
