I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Even my vagina gasped.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Randomize
