Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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