Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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