i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday