btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.