blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
