please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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