Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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