She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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