when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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