Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
