Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
