you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
