But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
