u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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