how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
