my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
