my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
