I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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