I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
