my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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