Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
