Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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