i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
