wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
