Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
