i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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