I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
