Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
