ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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