hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
