I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
