You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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