I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
