you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
