There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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