if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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