Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize