did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
