Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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