my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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