he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
