It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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