I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
