I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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