i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
